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NeophyteAuthor's avatar
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Here is the other story I had wrote and didn't upload, and the next is a special surprise for a certain turtle, who requested a story about little over a month ago and it is finally done giving me the business and is ready to be uploaded. Thank you for reading and hope you enjoy it 
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hannsgutherson's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

This was interesting and intriguing but I think it could use quite a bit of work. You show great potential but you have to work on spelling, grammar, sentence structure, use of punctuation. Go carefully over your work and edit it before you post it, this will instantly make it twice as good as it already is.

You introduce so many things in the first three sentences of this story that it's somewhat overwhelming for me as a reader who has basically no idea what's happening.

"The city looked so peaceful as it slept, safe behind the Magi wall, away from the roaming blighted. She looked down from atop the Centimanopolis headquarters of the Golden Harlots. Her task had been given, kill Lucia the guard matriarch in charge of ridding Saardis of crime."

What is the Magi wall? What is the city even called that sleeps behind it? What are the roaming blighted? Zombies? What is the Centimanopolis headquarters? What are the Golden Harlots? Who is the person given a task? Lucia is the guard matriarch, OK. But what does that mean? Is Saardis the city this story is set in?

Do you understand my confusion, you just drop all these names and titles and things on readers as if you expect them to know what they all are. It's disorienting, getting all this information dropped on me right away, try to space it out if it's all necessary.

After this you follow up with some sentence structure that is lacking words and is unclear. You write, "she had a knife strapped to her outer thigh another her upper left arm as well as smoking pellets in case on her belt and her favorites as for her dress; " first, there should be the word "on" between "another" and "her." Going over your work before posting it and reading it out loud can ensure that you aren't leaving gaps like that. You say "her favorites as for her dress" what does this mean? What she was wearing was her favorite thing to wear? The way you write it is awkward. The same goes for the later sentiment about looks killing, the problem I think is that your sentences run on too long. Break them up with some periods. Better might have been, "... a black slim fit skirt that ended mid-thigh. Because she knew that looks could distract. Or kill. Or maybe even both."

Spelling and grammar could use some work as I mentioned like with the words, "alley aside the house" I think you mean, "beside." And in the next sentence, "she stripped her down leaving her in her blue" just say she stripped down.

This whole part is a little rough, and it took me a few readings to figure out that the protagonist is Katherine. Why do you defer this information? I think you should introduce the protagonist earlier on. "talking to her captain after they finished the captain walked over over to her
"Done with your shift already?" He asked
"Yes ma'am, nothing to report" Karoline replied with a salute"" The word over is duplicated as well.

"How could've she know, her act was perfect?" This should be rewritten to read, how could she have known. Or how could she know.

This next part is also unclear. It took me a few tries to figure out toy mean to say that Katherine closed the door and someone banged on it after. The way you wrote it though does not say that. I wasn't even sure who said "what the" at first. You're going to want to rewrite this to make it easier to read.

""You are trapped now" the matriarch said as the door behind Karoline banged as though someone tried to open it,
"What the..." The matriarch took a step back and Karoline rose and dropped the helmet from her head, releasing her shiny, black hair and drawing her blades
"I'm not stupid" Karoline said with a smirk "no reinforcements for you" "


You have to have to have to have punctuation marks after quotes. You don't. But you need to. Where are the commas after people say things and before you describe things? You have to break up the sentences. And at the end of a lot of sentences you just don't have any periods. You NEED periods.

Again, you need to work on clarity. This might be a case of the subject verb agreement thing where you write, "...Matriarch's fine, fleshy cheeks as she screamed in pain and embarrassment and Karoline pulled again" but its not clear who the "she" being referred to is. The way you've written it reads like Karoline is the one screaming in pain and embarrassment and yet I'm pretty sure you mean to tell me the unnamed Matriarch is meant to be the one screaming.

This also brings us to the ultimate question of why an well trained assassin, who trained for years would not kill their intended target. But would instead start to give them wedgies? It makes no sense. Do they have a fetish? Is Karoline just really stupid and feels that this thing she somehow knows about would be fun to do even though there are guards trying frantically to get in to the room?

"The device had cuffs to lock on the arms and two leather straps that be thread" first off, if the device had cuffs for the arms how are people suspected to fall into the chasm? More importantly, you're just telling readers now that wedgies permeate this world. You have to foreground this fact. Why don't we know that wedgies are a the main form of punishment? How come there is no court system in this world? It's just death by wedgie right away? Why? And just when im trying to deal with that you spring the fact that demonic beasts named "vampyrs" are able to swoop down and also are interested in wedgies?

How can someone live within the Chasm? And why, after living there for a while, does she suddenly want to leave?

Once more you throw too much at me.
"curious herself of the under roads. Which is supposedly home to a mad witch and lost city's or so is told by explorers who pass by as her hovel sits at one of seven entrances, and the roads themselves extend far underground to the old knocker enclaves." Even the idea of light crystals, which you just mention. What are all these things? What are the old knocker enclaves? Are you telling me that Katherine is a Golden Harlot, which, if I understand correctly is the group that guards the city? Why is she an assassin?

You don't need to explain everything all at once but if you're going to mention things, which you might not even need to, then you have to give some detail and explanation. Work to build this world, create a place worthy of you and the people who inhabit it. This can be a very interesting story and quite wonderful in the adventure you create but it also requires you to work as hard as you can to craft something that has never been done before. But I know you can do it, and I look forward to seeing you try.